The False Projection

Far too often our outer-selves rarely reflect our inner-selves. I’ve noticed this about myself, anyway. Authenticity is difficult to live out when, whether intentional or not, the pain we suffer on the inside is masked by the actions we project. They simply aren’t the same thing. 

For myself, my outer actions tend to be that of frustration, irritability, mild depression and, at times, anger. I live with a near constant sense of discontent with certain aspects of my life. But these are simply what is projected – it’s not who I am or what I’m really dealing with. 

I’m sad. My heart is broken. A piece of me is missing. I blame my feelings and actions on everything except the true issue. 

When my Dad left this world, something in me died with him. I’ve never really wanted to admit it, and I don’t really know how to explain it. But the truth remains. He was my favorite person; someone I truly could not get enough of. His wit and wisdom were like none I had ever witnessed in anyone else. He had a way of making the world make sense for me. And I miss him!

My heart hurts because I’m afraid of forgetting what his voice sounded like. I’m angry because I’ll never hear him laugh again. I feel lost because I have so many questions that need answered and only he would know how to explain them.  I am upset because I’ll never get to play music with him again.  I have to come to face the fact that, on this side of Heaven, these won’t happen anymore. 

But I don’t express the sadness – I keep it deep within. I share some with my wife. But for the most part, I lock it away. Instead, I get angry, frustrated and irritated. 

What I’m thankful for is knowing that God understands what I’m dealing with. Only He truly sees the turmoil going on inside of me. And I believe He will teach me how to overcome it all. While I may say to someone, “I’m ok. Im at peace because I know my Dad loved the Lord and I’ll see him again some day.”…it’s just a facade. And my fear is that people believe me. In a lot of ways it’s true. But deep down I’m broken and sometimes pissed about it. 

I wish my outer-self better reflected my inner-self. But it doesn’t. I’m still learning to cope; learning to make sense of it and accept it. Writing this helps. It at least allows me to be honest with me. Hopefully soon, my inner and outer-self will better reflect the True Self I was created to be.