To Tell or Not To Tell…

Have you ever been in a place where you have so much to say but don’t have a clue how to say it?  That place sucks, just to be honest.  What do I do with all of these thoughts in my head?  They run together like paint on a canvas, but don’t make as much sense – or look as nice.  They tend to put me in a place of complacency or a lack of motivation.  Almost debilitating.

So I have decided that I’m going to vomit my thoughts (told you it wasn’t pretty) – I’m just going to say what’s going on in my head and be OK with the idea that I may be the only one who understands them…..maybe.

As of late, I have been battling with the idea of telling my story.  That in itself is a scary thought.  Do I really want people to know my life in such an intimate and honest fashion? I don’t have a problem sharing most of it with people I know and trust.  But to put it out there for people who don’t know me – or thought they knew me – sparks fears of judgment and potential questions that I’m not sure I’m ready to face.

It’s not like I would be exposing some deep dark secret that might incriminate me for some crime I may or may not have committed.  But letting people into your world with such vulnerability is frightening.  Yet, it is also very bold and, from what I have re-learned lately, very brave.  But it doesn’t change the fear factor attached to it.

The other idea I struggle with is simply; what makes my story so special that I feel it needs to be told?  In the eyes of the world at large, I’m nobody special; just a simple guy from West Rockingham County who lives differently now than most probably expected.  My story seems typical, common.  Kind of like the junk mail we all receive almost every day. It’s been heard and read time and time again and seems to be more of a nuisance than a welcomed alert in your inbox.  Only told by different people for different reasons.  But nothing overly unusual or special.

Or am I being selfish?  Am I minimizing the power of God’s work in my life and choosing to keep it to myself out of fear of rejection?  That seems more like it!  Have I lived my life on the good side for so long that I don’t even realize the power behind where it all started? Similar to the nose blind effect, I’ve lived it in a way that I no longer see it’s value; continuing my attempt of moving forward while not remembering what got me here.  Now there’s a thought.

Or maybe – just maybe – I have become so use to the comfort of my simple-minded Christianity that I have lost the wonder of my salvation and the miracle that it is.  It wasn’t too long ago that I was speaking with someone I’ve known for several years.  Her comment to me was simply; “In my eyes, where you are now, compared to where you were, is nothing short of a miracle.”  I thanked her.  But admittedly, I haven’t looked at myself like that in a long time.  The miracle has lost it’s impact in some ways.

Regardless of the reason, I’m not sure how to move forward – or if I’m even supposed to. Maybe my story would impact someone else who needs to hear whatever it is I have to say. Maybe it would simply be a story of God and how He is constantly pursuing His creation whether we know Him or not until the day we open our eyes and see Him for the first time. It may only be a release of sorts.  Either way, it’s scary.

I’ll keep you posted on the outcome…