Ruts

Stuck.  That’s what I call it anyway.  This place of inner frustration – which tends to manifest outwardly at times, simply sucks.  Some call it stagnation.  Others might say you’re just in a rut.  Maybe that’s what it is.  But I don’t like it.  It can too easily cause me to become religious and feel as if I have to do something and then maybe I’ll feel better about myself.  And we all know how well that ends up working out.

I struggle with myself and I’m going to attempt to explain this as best as my mind will allow.  Within me is a strong desire to be as close to God as possible.  I want to know what it’s like to constantly be in communication with the Holy Spirit – to be lead by Him as Paul has taught us in many of his epistles.  I have a desire to understand scripture on a deeper level.  I want to walk in the gifts such as prophecy, words of wisdom and knowledge, healing the sick and so on.  I carry within me a heart for the nations (whatever that means) and a strong desire to pray for our persecuted brothers and sisters all over the world.  I want to see lives changed, marriages saved, drunks be sober, addicts come clean and all people come to a knowledge of who they are, Whose they are and the power they carry.

But I’m stuck…and it sucks.

I intentionally went off to myself tonight wanting to read the Book and hopefully come across something that “jumps” off the pages at me (which has never happened to me before…I don’t think).  I was hoping to spend some time in prayer for myself, my family and all of these other issues on my mind and heart.  But I just sat there.  I read a couple of chapters in James, but I couldn’t tell you what I read if I tried.  I found myself leafing through the corners like I was fanning myself with the pages.  Or I reverted to mindless scrolling through the countless and pointless posts on Facebook.

How is it that I say in my heart that I want these things but can’t even put forth the effort? How do you fall in love with a Book that you struggle so badly to read?  How do you claim to want to see people set free, healed and delivered but don’t take the time to lay hands on them and pray?  I have things in my life that I know I need to let go of and get rid of, but I can’t find it in me to do so.  I honestly feel like a cowardly hypocrite.

Part of me feels like its OK that I am where I am.  But there’s this other part of me that doesn’t quite agree.  Yet, finding the motivation to get past it is almost non-existent.  You start to question everything.  I don’t question whether or not I’m saved – I know that to be true.  But I question my ability to lead, my ability to take charge and push forward, to be a good husband, father, friend, etc.  My calling comes into question.  How can you fulfill your purpose if you can’t even pray about it?

And for another bit of honesty…the last several months have sucked and other people have sucked by making it suckier (I know it’s not a real word, but it’s my word).  The hits come and go and then come again as if Ali never actually died.  He’s just waiting around every other corner for his opportunity at another sucker punch.  I feel as if I am failing my family in many ways and can do nothing to help them through all of the hits they have taken.  My own complacency has compounded to the point that I feel as if I am just existing some days.  I see the problems knowing I can’t fix them.  So I try to look into that place on the other side where victory lies to find hope.  But even then I find myself questioning if that place exists.

Ugh…the travesty of it all.

I hope that He is laughing at me.  I believe He understands, but sometimes I think He is waiting for me to do something.  Or maybe He’s not.  Maybe doing nothing is exactly what I should be doing.  I feel guilty sitting on the couch watching football when I could be nose-deep in a book, discussing the future with my wife or playing a game with my girls – which would definitely be better by far.  I don’t even want to go to church.  It just seems routine and predictable – as if I need to “check in” and let everyone know I’m still alive.  As if Facebook hasn’t already informed them.

I’m seriously just ranting my thoughts.  I’m not trying to cause guilt in anyone else.  It’s just where I am.  I don’t believe I’ll stay here – or at least I hope not.  There’s too much that He has given me and done for me to stay on the sidelines wallowing in guilt.  There’s a hurting world that needs the love that I’ve received.  He has given us promises, no matter how difficult they are to hold onto.

So, c’mon Bud.  Get your shit together.