Tomorrow (Jan. 26) I will be 37 years old…..and I’m not happy about it.  I can’t give you any good reason as to why.  I know there is an inner turmoil waging war in my soul.  But I don’t know why that is.  I’ve always heard its the ages which end with a zero that are the most difficult.  I, for one, would beg to differ.

Unlike my wife, turning 30 was not a big deal to me.  For her it turned into an almost year-long state of depression.  For me, it had no ill effect what so ever.  But 36 – that one changed everything for some reason.  This year has proven to be worse than last.  I have been dreading the reality that I will be another year older.  Just the thought alone produces an almost nauseous feeling deep inside my stomach.

Looking back on my life I find it hard to believe that I even made it this far.  I marvel at the speed with which time has passed and all of the things that have taken place.  A smile crosses my face when I remember my younger days of carelessness.  The parties, wild nights, stupid decisions and complete lack of inhibitions at times allowed me the rare opportunity to be the center of attention.  Certainly not the type of attention that produces anything resulting in a positive outcome – unless you’re trying out for a lead role on Jackass.  But it was truly a blast.  Then life took on a completely uncontrollable form that seemed impossible to slow down.

Life has passed by like a blink; a mere breath on a cold night and the steam from it disappearing without a trace.  What have I done?  What have I accomplished?  Have I made a difference?  Have I become a better person than I was?  Will I ever be a good husband, a good father, a great leader?

As I was writing this, my daughters brought me an early birthday cupcake – complete with a candle (rather than 37 of them).  I don’t think there is any need to whine anymore.  Thank You, God, for the subtle reminders.

Happy #37 to me 🙂