Today Sucked!

Let me begin by saying that it wasn’t all bad, but it was definitely one of the more challenging days I’ve had in a while.

I’m not the type to stress or struggle with anxiety.  Yet, when I am presented with a job or project that I believe is above my level of ability – add to that a tight deadline, and it’s a recipe for disaster in my head.  Today was that kind of day.

Building things is not a strength of mine.  It simply isn’t something I was taught growing up.  With the ministry we run, however, there are times when such skills are required.  Getting some guys who know their stuff usually isn’t difficult.  This project was a little different.  A friend of mine came to help me on Sunday evening, but when Monday came I was on my own to finish it up.  From the perspective of someone who knows what they’re doing, this project probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal.  For me, though, it truly seemed impossible.

Immediately I began to doubt that I could even do it.  As soon my thoughts went in that direction, the anxiety started.  I found myself running into simple problems without being able to come up with a solution.  The next thing I knew, I had about three different parts of the project going at once completely unsure of which one was the most important to focus on first.  I realized I had measured a couple of things incorrectly and had to run to both Lowe’s and Home Depot; one of three trips I had to make for various reasons throughout the day.  The pressure was insane.

I was so overwhelmed and felt totally incapable of being able to get this thing done. At one point, without my noticing at first, a tear streamed down my face.  I even had a little trouble breathing at times.  I felt pathetic.  I wanted to quit and retreat to somewhere else far away from this project.  All of my insecurities rose to the surface and was choking the life out of me.  What kind of man can’t do this stuff?   Why, of all people, was I the one doing it?  Who do I think I am doing this?  These are just the nice thoughts going on in my head.

Regardless of all these things, and in spite of them, I kept going.  It was as if while my mind was doing everything to convince me that I was going to fail, my body just kept moving and doing things.  And even though it took far longer than it should have, the project was finished.  A friend of mine did show up and help me finish the one thing I knew without a doubt wasn’t going to be done by me.  But it was over and I was physically and emotionally drained, to say the least.

My amazing wife was so encouraging and uplifting.  I believe that’s what kept me going.  The Spirit in her was transferred to me because the one I didn’t do, was stop and take the time to pray and ask God for help.  I tried to in the midst of the mental chaos, but my attempts were easily blocked.  I should have stopped.  I should have taken the time to quiet the noise in my head and seek His counsel.  Even though I didn’t do this, I believe I was empowered by her encouragement and resulting praise of a job well done.  I gained strength, though unnoticed at first, by her positivity and affirmation.  It shows me that she and I truly are more and more becoming one in spirit.

In the end, the project turned out just like it needed to.  God helped me do things I have never done before on my own.  I’m learning that I am far more capable of tackling difficult tasks that seem impossible – even when the pressure is about to crush me.  I can do it.  I am able and capable beyond what I even realize.  It’s when things seem impossible that God works to help us make it possible.  I’m thankful for that.  I’m thankful for Him and His grace.  I’m thankful for my wife and the way she lifts me up when I need it most.  

And I’m thankful for challenges.  Without them, we don’t grow.  Without them, we never really find out what we’re made of.  My situation was very minor compared to the challenges so many other people face every single day.  But this one, for me, was a great time of growth and realization now that I’ve had time to reflect on it.  I pray my confidence continues to grow; not only in myself, but more so in the One I should always have the most confidence in.