Validation

This past Saturday morning I had a conversation over the phone with a man I have never met.  He is the author of a daily devotional I receive by email every day.  A recent devotion he sent out really struck a chord in my spirit which prompted me to email him about it.  It was titled, “Just Say Yes”.  I simply wanted him to know how much that devotional really meant to me and how it applies to where I am in life.  To my surprise, he was pretty quick to respond.

On a bit of a side note, one of the greatest challenges in identity for me is that of manhood.   More often than not I feel less-than as a man.  Oftentimes, I question whether or not I know what it even means to be a man.  Other men, regardless of background, tend to make me feel inferior when I’m around them.  In his book, Wild At Heart, John Eldridge speaks of a right of passage that young men must take to cross over from boyhood to manhood.  In so doing, the young man receives validation from his father (or male leader) that he has what it takes.  A very crucial time in a young boy’s life to say the least.

I won’t go into great detail, but I missed out on this right of passage.  The opportunity was there – sort of – but there wasn’t any crossing over for me.  Because of this, I am coming into greater understanding as to why I have struggled so many years with insecurities and rarely feeling as if I have what it takes in life.  In many ways, it has affected my marriage, my ability to lead in most capacities, relationships with other men and it prevents me from stepping out and taking risks in order to discover who I really am.  I have wandered through life confused, lost and, honestly, scared.

But this random phone conversation did something for me that I needed more than I realized.  As I laid the groundwork for why I emailed him in the first place, he abruptly stopped me.  Which, if you know me, you know that alone would annoy me so badly.  But it didn’t this time.  Instead, I listened to him redirect my thoughts and heart ever so gently back to what it means to be a husband and father.  Even though that had very little to do with why I reached out to him, he made it all connect.  He stressed that I needed to rethink some decisions.  I, of course, stressed my incapabilities and how I strongly felt unqualified. Yet, he continued to point out the amazing position I am in if only I would make the effort to see it from God’s perspective.  He spoke to me like only a father could.  And then it happened…

He grabbed my attention again and spoke sternly, but softly, these words…

” I have no doubt that I am old enough to be your father.  I want you to know that, from what little I know of you, I would be very proud to call you my son.  You are valuable and you are more than capable.  You are far more qualified than you realize and you have so much to offer other men who need what you have.  Also, on behalf of being a father, I want to apologize for you not being fathered properly.  You are not alone in this, and you can call me anytime.”

What do you do with that?

What else?

You cry like a baby in your car while sitting at the gas station because some man you’ve never met has spoken into your heart the very words you have so desperately needed to hear for years.  That’s what you do with that.  At least that’s all I knew to do with it.

He is confident that, even though I have struggled to figure out my own masculinity, I have everything I need to help other men figure theirs out.  He and others have spoken this over me before so there must be some level of truth to it.  I really wasn’t happy about it at first because, when you struggle with masculinity, the last you want to do is work with men.  But maybe that is the very thing that qualifies you.

Honestly, I have no clue how this is going to work or what it’s going to look like.  But what I do know is that I am going to make the decision to follow the instructions of that devotional and just say yes.