Why Does It Take So Long?

To be honest right out of the gate, I do not have the answer to the question my title poses – I’m still working through that. It’s a general question that can be applied to so many areas of life. However, in this post, I am applying it specifically to one point of my history that, for some reason, has taken many years for me to work past, let go of and forgive myself for while also accepting God’s forgiveness as well. I have talked to several friends about this and also written a blog about it. I am sure some have gotten annoyed by the fact that I have held onto this for so long and struggle to understand my position. Well, welcome to the club. My hope is that my new clarity will also help to bring clarity to others with anything they may be holding onto.

On September 29th of this year I would have been celebrating 20 years of service in the Army. Unfortunately, my career was short-lived when I decided to leave the military and simply come home. I won’t go into the whole back story (unless you ask me to in the comments), but this decision would unknowingly become a defining point in my life. Just a few months after my poor decision-making, 9/11 would take place and seal within my soul and spirit a shame, guilt and embarrassment that I would continue to carry with me. For many years now, God has been ever so slowly dealing with me on this and trying to get me to see all that I had been holding onto because of this one immature, ignorant act on my part.

Fast forward nearly twenty years and I am standing outside of my friend’s home sharing this story with him for the very first time in great detail. It’s a difficult thing for me to trust people with. But with him I simply let it out. He shared no advice with me that I had not heard before. However, he did encourage me in the person God has made me to be and how I cannot continue to allow the lies I’ve believed to have this much power in my life. Being a verbal processor at times, I made the connection – albeit for the first time – between my fear of success and my failure in the military. I am literally scared to succeed on my own out of fear that somehow I will screw it up to the point that it can’t be fixed, my family would be disappointed in me, and I will ruin everything we have worked for. I would rather follow you and trust you know what you’re doing while simply doing what I’m told.

You see, faith takes risk; faith requires stepping out into the unknown and really having no idea if it’s going to work or not. We simply (yet, not easily) have to trust that when we do take that risk and step out, God will meet us there – whether we miss it or succeed. But I wouldn’t trust God. Why? Because I don’t trust me. I have passed up opportunities and have dreamed and prayed for other opportunities, but was unwilling to take the risk out of the fear of totally botching it. Why would He give me opportunities knowing I’m not going to take them? Yea, He’s that good. And I finally made the connection as to where this lie originated.

The next day after the conversation with my friend, I was at work in my office. I’m not exactly sure why, but I got up and walked over to my little book shelf. I have a few binders from classes I’ve taken and books that I’ll probably never read. But the gray binder caught my eye and I pulled it out. It was the binder that I had put all of my awards from the military in and a few other items I had kept. One of them was my basic training graduation pamphlet. It included a list of all our commanders, drill sargeants and every member of my A-1/46 (go Rough Riders!) platoon. As I read over that list of names, memories came flooding in. I even tried to look a few of the guys up on Facebook just to see if I could reconnect (sorry, honey – I know I should have been working). Then it happened…

I broke. Hard.

I cried – not some little teardrop-down-the-cheek type of crying – I sobbed like a baby to the point my stomach and face hurt. Tear drops puddled the floor under me. It was as if I was mourning that season of my life. I asked God to forgive me for what I did and all those I had let down. I asked Him to forgive me for holding onto this for so long. Then I started to thank Him for whatever it was He was protecting me from. Because I tried for a long time to go back in and every door was slammed in my face. It simply wasn’t what He had for me. I prayed for the lies that I had believed to be broken so I would no longer live in fear of taking risks and stepping out in faith. And for the first time in nearly twenty years I felt something lift off of me. I can’t explain it, but I truly believe all of the shame I carried for so long is gone. I sincerely cannot put into words how much better I feel.

Philippians 3:13 relates powerfully to this event.

“No, dear brothers & sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.”

I am not a Greek scholar, but the word “forgetting” here I do not believe means that we won’t remember these events anymore. Rather, I believe that it means a breaking of the power they have so we can “look forward”. I don’t want to forget it, per se. I want to remember it so I can continue to see God’s goodness through it and how He will choose to use it. But the power the enemy had over me because of it is broken.

Therefore, let me implore all of you who choose to read this. If you have anything in your life that the enemy has been using to hold you back, lie to you and hang over your head for weeks, months or years, please allow God to take you into that place of brokenness. It is a place of freedom that can only be found through brokenness. Don’t wait twenty years like I did. Go to Him now. We have to see our mistakes for what they are while allowing God to do the cleansing work only He can do. Then, and only then, will we find freedom enough to be bold, step out in faith and trust that He will be there waiting for us.

Now it’s time to get to stepping!

If this post encouraged you, or if you have something you want to add, please feel free to. And share your current issue if you would like and I would be glad to pray on your behalf.