Confessions of a Difficult Man

Have you ever walked up to someone, asked them for help and they huff, puff and roll their eyes like you just interrupted the most important thing they were doing in their life? Or called a place of business to inquire about a product and the person on the other end sounded like they could care less about you, your need or even the idea of making a sale? What about that person in your life who almost always seems to be irritated, is almost impossible to approach and seems annoyed by, well, everything (with some exceptions)?

If you don’t know someone like this – let me introduce myself.  I’m willing to bet we could be great friends. Just don’t ask me to help you with anything; especially if I have better things to do. And don’t call me at work to ask me about a product I don’t know, or care, anything about. My customer service skills are off the charts! And if I’m already in the middle of something, please don’t interrupt me. What I’m doing is far more important than what you need my help with. You could always come hang out and watch football on Sundays with me. My wife won’t be there; she’s found a better way to spend her day so she won’t have to deal with me. So I guess you’ll do in a pinch. 

Sound like a great guy, don’t I? 

The funny thing is…I really am a great guy (and I say that without arrogance). I can be fun, talkative, funny (to some people), helpful when necessary and fairly easy to get along with. But there is a side of me that I continue to struggle with that rears its ugly head far more than I like. It strains my relationships, affects my job which, coincidentally, is customer service and puts stress on my marriage and family. 

What I struggle with the most is understanding how I became this way. It’s one of those things that develops over time. And by the time you, or others, notice it, this attitude has become so engrained in you that it seems “normal.” But it shouldn’t be. I should not get aggravated when the phone rings at work – I’m in customer service…it’s kinda my job. When my wife asks me for my help, I should be appreciative that she would look to me. Is it necessary for me to get frustrated when you’re doing 60 in a 55 instead of 65? The list could honestly go on for a while. 

The good thing is that I recognize these faults within myself. The difficult thing is that I struggle with knowing how to change them. I know who I want to be. Moreover, I know more now about who I am than I did before.  I know that God did not create me this way, nor does He see me this way. So why is the change so stinking hard? 

I remember as a kid, my stepdad at the time was the same way. He was difficult to approach most of the time. He had ways about him that caused you to walk on eggshells more often than not.  He was easily irritated – especially if something wasn’t done the “right” way. So it’s easy for me to think that this is the way I learned growing up. But it’s a horrible excuse with no grounds at all considering I’m a 35 year old man, for Pete’s sake. 

I try to have fun with the topic, but it’s a very real issue. My wife really has taken Sundays away just to avoid having to deal with me. I really have gotten in trouble at work for answering the phone in an annoyed manner. I really am unapproachable at times. Most people who don’t see me every day may even argue what I’m saying. That’s understandable – you don’t live or work with me. I can easily hide behind a happy, easy to get along with facade because you just don’t know any better; I want to keep it that way. The less people who see the real me, the better. 

But I have now come to a point in my life where these quirks need to be dealt with – change needs to happen. All it does is create a vicious cycle of having the attitude and then being hard myself because of the attitude which in turn strengthens my attitude. In order to break this cycle, I need to look no further than my Creator. I know that He has a greater desire to see these changes take place than I do. When He looks at me, He doesn’t see Steven the hardheaded, unapproachable guy who doesn’t want to help anybody. He sees me as a finished product, if you will. He knows the end from the beginning. Therefore, he sees me as He sees Christ. And He has chosen to take on the task of stripping me of the things that look nothing like Him. In His eyes, the work is already done. I just need to realize it, agree with it and surrender to what He already knows is true about me. 

I believe understanding our identity is one of the most vital areas Christians struggle with. We battle with the idea that we do not have to be who we’ve always been anymore. We can be better! And when we agree with it, we begin to realize that we really are new creations. We take on a role of royalty that was handed to us by the death and resurrection of Jesus. And when we believe that, we start to act accordingly. But it is a process. It’s difficult to strip away things that have been a part of ourselves for so long. 

I believe it’s crucial – the world is watching us to see if what we believe is true. And, more often than not, they can only see it in our actions and how we live our lives every day, how we treat people and carry ourselves. I must admit, I fail at this…often. Jesus said, “By this all men will know tht you are My disciples, if you love one another.” By my own self-description above, you would not know that I am a disciple of Jesus.  That’s hard to say, but it’s true.  But I also know He’s working and I’m a work in progress. I’m still learning to believe that I am who He says I am. 

So bear with me as I journey. And learn to look past the faults of others – they’re on a journey, too. Masterpieces aren’t created overnight. But works of art that were meant to last sometimes take a lifetime to complete. So while I carry some shame in my confession, I carry with it hope knowing I’m His mess to clean up. 

But don’t interrupt Sunday football. I’m just not there yet.