One Piece of My Redemption Story – A Veteran’s Day Confession

Veterans of our great Nation are some of the most revered and respected men and women in the world.  Or at least they should be.  They sacrifice more than  most will ever realize under the banner of Old Glory for the sake of freedom for it’s citizens.  They take an oath to protect this land from all enemies, both foreign and domestic.  Many have paid the ultimate price in the giving of their lives so that we can sleep peacefully.  They are proud and some of the toughest humans you will ever know.

I was a soldier, but will never allow myself to be recognized as such.

Why, you might ask?  I enlisted.  I took the oath.  I wore the uniform that countless soldiers have worn before me.  I underwent the same required training and succeeded.  So why would I not be in the same class as everyone else?  The reason as to why it is an honor I do not deserve is simple: I did not fulfill my duty.

Honor has several definitions.  But the one that our men and women in uniform exemplify the most is defined as; “to fulfill (an obligation) or keep (an agreement).”  You do what you say you’re going to do.  You make a promise, you keep it.  You obey orders at all costs. Fulfill your duty.  Put others before yourself.  Based on this definition, the title of soldier will never again apply to me.  I have friends and family who have, and continue to serve our Nation with honor.  After experiencing what its like to be a soldier and the sense of camaraderie that comes with it, I have some understanding of the sacrifice and perseverance that comes along with it.  Yet like everything else in life that we strive for, we only deserve the honor when we finish what we start.  So to accept the same honor that they have earned, would be a disgrace to them and their service.

Technically, I’m a Veteran – on paper.  I served more than the required 180 days to qualify (a little over 2 years according to my discharge).  I completed basic training successfully with much higher marks than even I expected.  AIT was significantly longer with a lot of classroom and hands-on training which included a bit of time in the field.  I had the privilege of learning about one of our toughest weapons in history – the M1-A2 Abrams tank.  We’ve never had one destroyed in battle.  After completing my training on Fort Knox, I was assigned to the 3rd BN 69th Armor Regiment at Fort Stewart, GA; a rapid deployment post who had seen a lot of action during Desert Storm and continued its service after the 9/11 attacks in Afghanistan.  You would have thought that I was well on my way to a great military career.  One could only wish.

I did not come from what would be referred to as a military family.  I have a couple of uncles who served in Vietnam, an uncle who served 21 years in the Guard and a couple of cousins who either have served or are still serving, including my nephew who is currently in training.  My parents didn’t serve.  None of my siblings served.  My Mom’s ex-husband wished he would have served, but never did.  So I can’t say that this was something I ever considered to be on my radar as a career path. But, to be honest, I didn’t exactly have a career path in mind at all.  I was a sub-par student at best.  College was never talked about as an option.  For me, the only realistic choice was to just find a job, work hard and hope for the best.  Outside of hoping to make it in the music scene as a drummer, which was a long shot, my options were extremely limited.

Being 19, engaged and without a real future in sight, my Mom strongly encouraged me to enlist. For her, I think it seemed like my best bet at making a life for myself – especially if this relationship I was in was serious.  Opportunities would open up and an Honorable discharge looks really good on an application.  So my fiance and I agreed that I would go for it.  So on September 29, 1999 I left home for basic training.

I’m not going to bore you with details, but if you join the military for any reason other than a love for this Nation, it’s people and a strong duty to serve…don’t.  Reconsider your motives.  Military life isn’t for everyone and they take your commitment seriously. Knowing what I know now, I could have made it a career and I would have been damn good at it.  But, she was my reason.  And when she decided to cheat on me shortly after starting job training in January of 2000, my reason for being there disappeared.  I was unable to adjust.  I tried, but failed.  So a few months of being at Fort Stewart, I left and went back to the life I knew.  I went home and partied it up, drank it up, snorted it up, smoked it up and left all I had just achieved behind. I fell into the very life people seemed to expect out of me all along.  I even earned a new nickname – AWOL Andrew.

Please understand that I had no idea the level of trouble I had just put myself in.  I had no idea there was a warrant for my arrest – initially, anyway.  Or that I could be looking at several years in military prison.  Not a clue.  And didn’t really care.  Until the cops came barreling up the driveway one night.  By now, 8 months later, I gained some knowledge on my potential future if caught.  Scared to death by these cops, I nearly peed myself.  All it would take is running my ID and I’m done.  But, miraculously, they came back with nothing (see, God was working long before I knew Him).  It scared me enough to turn myself in that week.  I spent a night in jail at Fort Belvoir and was flown back to Knox the next day.  I spent 2 weeks processing out and was given the chance to stay.  But I was enjoying the parties and drugs too much and was too embarrassed to go back despite the disappointment of my family.  So I took a Chapter 10 Other than Honorable discharge in lieu of court martial and they sent me packing.  Maybe I could still pull off the drummer thing…who knows.

Fast forward a few months and we as a Nation experienced the greatest terror attack on our soil in history.  Immediately, I felt a mix of emotions.  On one hand I am shocked and devastated that this is happening and am riddled with shame.  On the other, I’m angry and desperately wanting to go back to my unit, which would be deployed very early on in the war. That sense of duty rose up inside of me with force.  But the shame was greater than anything else.  So I swallowed it down and continued with my sorry excuse of a life.

After a dramatic spiritual experience, God helped me turn my life around in ways I never expected.  But the desire go back in never went away, though it would be a few years before it became so strong I felt I needed to put action to it.  So with my wife’s OK, I tried everything I knew to make this happen.  All I needed was for one number on my discharge papers to be changed from a 4 to a 3.  That’s it.  But I would find out that that proved to be more impossible than I realized.  Every door slammed shut and every letter written was denied.  So much for a second chance.  Two years worth of effort came up empty.

I would eventually come to understand that this was never part of God’s plan for me.  He would, in some way in the future, use this situation for my good.  Now that I am more mature in my faith, I understand that God has given me back far more than I left behind. He knew that this portion of my life would play a vital role in making me into who He has created me to be.  Despite all of the wrong I have done, people I have hurt and mistakes I have made, this has been the hardest to let go of.  I have to forgive myself over and over again while hoping those who do and have served will forgive me as well.  I do not regret the life I’ve been given in any way.  But I often wonder what I could have achieved had I stayed.  It’s one of the questions I’ll never know the answer to.

Please understand that I am not looking for pity or for people to feel remotely sorry for me.  God has given me a far more amazing life than I ever expected to have.  I have been set free from the drugs, alcohol and party lifestyle I lived for so long.  He has forgiven me of everything I have ever done and will ever do.  My wife is amazing and I have 2 beautiful daughters.  We operate a ministry that impacts lives here at home and around the world. He has accepted me regardless of my past and blessed me beyond measure.  I still play drums, but instead of making it big in the rock scene I play at church on Sundays.  And I’m perfectly fine with that.

I know God has forgiven me for the poor decision I made and He probably saved my life because of it.  But deep down there is still that soldier within me screaming to get out again.  I don’t want the recognition.  It’s more of a desire to fulfill the promise I made to my country.  Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day remind me every year that I failed to do just that.  As I’ve gotten older, my understanding of honor and duty have become much more clear.  I know the possibility of reenlistment will probably never happen.  Yet, year by year I grow more OK with it.  But the struggle is real and may take a lifetime to fully overcome.

So on this Veteran’s Day I say thank you to the many soldiers who sacrifice every day to fulfill their duty; to those who have had the guts to see it through and put it all on the line for our freedom.  Thank you to my family and friends who have served and who continue to serve.  You are my heroes!  We as a Nation will never be able to give back what you have given for us.  God bless you all!!